Why mindful acceptance means freedom, not giving up
It is a very common and very limiting belief to assume that accepting what happens in your life just means rolling over and giving up.
Or, that accepting what happens in life is mutually exclusive, and therefore preventative of also making changes and growing.
These assumptions may sound rational, but they are not true. In fact, what accepting an event, decision or action once it has happened in your life actually does is to unlock enormous power and freedom in your life in that moment.
Here’s why:
There are 2 ground rules that explain why acceptance = freedom:
The past cannot be changed.
The circumstances of the past will never again be exactly as they were in the past.
Taken together, these two ground rules mean that no matter what we do now or in the future, we can never reverse, replicate, or revise outcomes that have already occurred.
You’re probably still with me and in agreement so far; but here’s where the divergent thinking arises.
Intellectually acknowledging the fact that the past cannot be changed or will never reoccur is one thing, but emotionally, truly accepting the immutability of the past, and being able to let the past go is another.
Unless you truly accept the past as set, then you will keep one eye overly trained on comparing the present to the past, which blocks your freedom by ignoring the first 2 ground rules:
Resistance to or rejection of the past — i.e. what happened to me shouldn’t have happened. This can create a victim or unfair-type complex that prevents us from letting go of our old life path or set of options, and re-assess our new life path or set of options in the present. We try to regain what we had.
Longing to recreate or re-experience the past — i.e. what was in my past was better than what I have now. This can create a despair or obsessive-type complex that saps our motivation to keep trying or moving forward in the present. We try to recreate what was.
Pressure to continue the past — i.e. my past defines my future. This can create a sunk-cost or expectation-type complex that restricts our ability to fail and learn, evolve or explore in the present. We try to retain what we had.
Unless we can fully accept what lies in the past, we will be held prisoner by one of the above (or other) complexes, and not truly free to be whoever we can or wish to be in the present.
We’re not free to fully act in the present or be proactive about the future if we keep an eye on the past, because we’re reacting to the past.
To clarify, letting go of the past also does not mean forgetting it or losing the wisdom we gain from experiences now in the past. Looking back is perfectly okay and even valuable if it is done from a reflective state, where we refrain from judging what happened and where we presently are, and if the 2 ground rules are held in mind. Otherwise, we are at risk of becoming imprisoned by a past-oriented complex.
Take 2 commonly applicable examples:
Work
If you don’t accept that you didn’t get hired, lost a job, or didn’t get a promotion, you’ll be reacting under the control of an unfair or obsessive-type complex, singularly trapped in expending precious energy on rumination.
Fully accepting not getting or keeping the job would free you to pursue a bigger picture option, such as seeking another job that you might actually enjoy more (the reality with millions of jobs is that something else out there IS a better fit for you), strengthening your resilience to rejection — which is a skill that will help you everywhere in life — or even finding a temporary backup job and focusing on deepening your satisfaction from other areas of life.
Relationship
If you don’t accept that a relationship ended and think it shouldn’t have happened or try to get it back, you’ll be reacting under the control of an obsessive or expectation-type complex, singularly trapped in expending precious energy trying to get the relationship back or beating yourself up over the fact that it ended.
Fully accepting the relationship’s end would free you to pursue broader options, such as seeking closure, reflecting on why it ended and what you learned to bring to a future relationship, getting to know yourself and learning to resolve trauma/projections that damaged the relationship, finding someone you connect with in a more healthy and balanced way, or even possibly trying the relationship again at some point further in the future.
In any case, without truly accepting the past, we will gravitate towards options in the present which are singularly reactionary to the past. We will not see the rainbow span of options that are available to us, but only one single hue in the shade of our emotionally-charged memories.
Acceptance does not mean giving up.
Acceptance means freeing yourself to be able to move in any direction you wish here and now.
Acceptance frees us to reflect on what we’ve learned about what what we want, don’t want, and what our values/skills/purpose/strengths/weaknesses are.
Acceptance frees our ability to envision where our future could take us, and frees our energies to pursue that future vision.
Without accepting what happens in life, the only direction we can go is backwards; yet because it’s impossible to change or recreate the past, non-acceptance really means stagnation.
If you are starting to wonder about the philosophy of acceptance, but still aren’t convinced that acceptance is as key to freedom and making the best use of your life potential, try reading of one of these 5 incredible books.
That’s all for today — thanks for reading! Learn more about how working with a personal development coach can help you to live a more fulfilling life, sign up for my newsletter, and stay tuned for more self-discovery essays.